Some thoughts from a month back

Sorry once again for the lack of posts...not that much is going on around here. I finished up with my genetics final today and am gearing up for a month of exams that will start a little bit after Pesach (Passover). I'll probably spend most of my break studying all of those little bacteria, viruses, fungi, and parasites that can sure do a number on someone's health...but hopefully I'll get a chance to go up to Jerusalem and visit my friend Jill from Reality in Santa Barbara. For those of you who don't know, she's been teaching at an international school up there for over a year now, so she knows the area pretty well. I'm also planning a horseback riding trip around the desert once Pesach is over, which should be great, especially because it's been so long since I've ridden and there's quite a few people here who have never ridden.

Anyway, after I finished the genetics final this morning, I had quite a bit of free time so I came home to journal and as I was flipping through some of my old entries, I ran across this one that I thought I should share with you. It's from the 15th of Feb when I was in Jerusalem wandering around the Old City, taking a much needed break from Beer Sheva. Here ya go:

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:10a

What I am doesn't feel like it belongs here. I'm not a part of this doctor world...I really don't like it actually. More than ever my heart and soul are yearning for the "simple life" of fields and cows, sunsets and thunderstorms on hilltops, and hard, back-breaking work. Not cities and classrooms, and sterile floors, fancy dinners, nice cars and dressing up. That's not something I want. I was telling Keiko, I should have just been a farmer's wife...this isn't my world.

I feel like I've given up so much coming here...not that that's necessarily a bad thing, just hard. I gave up John, I gave up a huge chunk of my family identity (and gained a part that I don't necessarily like: the one that's changing thing--you decide if that's good or bad), my community of believers and church home (which has been really hard actually), my wide open spaces, and the possible guarantee of a predictable-ish future. I feel like what's ahead of me has good potential, but could also end up so so so horribly if it get off of God's track. And the thing is, it's getting harder and harder to just go and seek God daily, to open up His Word and pray to Him. Whenever I do, it's absolutely amazing, but for some reason it keeps getting harder and harder. I really, really need to find a good church home or some kind of consistency in gathering as a community. Right now, it's not good.

Maybe I'm an ignorant idealist who hasn't had her eyes opened to the ways of the world, but there's a few things that I really don't want to understand. One really kinda cuts deeps right now. So I was at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher right? So, I got there 10 minutes before it closed and low and behold, they wouldn't let me in. Now, ok, I get it...whatever...but really?! How can you close a church?! Especially that church. I mean, as a predominantly tourist site, I guess it can be closed, but then I was just sitting outside of it and guess what, they "closed" that part too an hour later! How can you close the outside of a building?! I really just want a safe place to go and draw near to God. I want a place where I can go and just ask someone to tell me about my Savior. I don't care if the stories are ones I've heard a hundred times. I just want to hear someone else tell me about Him. I want to go to a place and feel like a part of a family, a real family, again; to be in a room of strangers all seeking the same God, acknowledging the same--the only--Mediator.

I don't know why I can't come to the "Holy City" and find some church that's open 24 hours with someone there. It doesn't make sense. A church should never willingly close its doors, a church shouldn't have "hours." What happened to the churches where you could find homeless sleeping in the pews? When the rest of the world closes you out, who lets you in? Well, not the Church of the Holy Sepulcher...not where they say Jesus was crucified. How have we, as God's body, drifted so stinking far from His heart, from who He really is? How is it that we've gotten so much wrong, and in the process turned so many away? We've wanted the world, we've pursued it...and He's given it to us, or given us to it.

And those who stand up and say, "No, this isn't right! What happened to love being greater? What happened to laying down our rights, not getting paid for what we do (even though we deserve it) so that our message--our service of love--can truly be free? What happened to dying to ourselves, to being the filth and refuse of the world, to being foolish in the world's eyes? What happened to acting like out actions matter more than our words?"--What about us? We're crazy, dreamers, unrealistic, fools.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that God really does give us over to our desires. He really is a gentleman and doesn't force Himself on us. But with our haughty eyes we're so easily lured away by a sparklely world of instant gratification and empty promises. We're fine riding the fence, but the thing is, there's really no such thing. Hot or cold He'll take, but lukewarm? Never. But somehow we've convinced ourselves that our lukewarm is really hot enough. We're half-hearted people. We love God definitely, but to the point of utter, TOTAL abandon...no. That's just foolish, right? But then we can give ourselves totally to the world, convincing ourselves that God's Word isn't actually true, that he doesn't actually require our full hearts. C.S Lewis was right about the mud pie thing.

Renew our hearts LORD, shepherd your people. We are such foolish sheep."

So yeah, there's a glimpse into some of the stuff I'm dealing with here. Since I wrote that, I have found more of a community of committed believers. There's a group of us that's meeting once a week for worship and intercession...and it's amazing! God has also been drawing me in much closer to Himself and His Word since I wrote that as well. I guess my main reason for sharing this is just to challenge you guys, and myself, to really examine the areas of our own lukewarm-ness and where we've accepted the world's principles and ideas of what's possible and in the process have blinded our eyes to God's more perfect way. That's it. Love you guys! God bless!!